Update

Apr. 27th, 2014 08:02 pm
outsdr: (Dalek Longcat)
It's been a really, really long time since I've made a substantial post. I've noticed over time that I'm not the only one- I have notifications set for many of my friends here, and the notifications have been few and far between. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the popularity of  Facebook ... but Facebook is another animal. It's too public of a forum to say the type of things I say here, and I'm sure that's true for a lot of people.

I'm not sure why I stopped posting as much as I used to. It could be due to the general ennui I have felt for the past year. Being out of work for five months ended up being really difficult for me to recover from mentally. When I started working at my current job in September, it turned out to be really physically demanding. While I welcomed this, my body did not at first. Now, almost May, and I miss the physical labor, to be honest. I still do some, but it's not an everyday all-day-long matter any more. I've lost a little weight and gained a lot of muscle, and I like that.

When I was hired, it was as a temporary worker. Eventually I was basically promised to be made a permanent employee with benefits, but there was no date set. I went through a lot of mental up-and-downs through all this, busting my hump to impress people and then feeling like I wasn't working hard enough because it didn't seem like anyone noticed. Meanwhile, the main part of the project (hardware and software upgrade for the largest hospital system in New Mexico) ended at the end of the year, my team was split up, and we were put in various other positions to work until the next phase of the project began.

When the next phase of the project began, I discovered I was the only one from my original team that was on the new one. I didn't know if this was good or bad at the time. The bad part of the project was that we were now travelling around New Mexico to Socorro, Espanola, Tucumcari, and Ruidoso to do installations, staying overnight at least one night in each town. The good part was that Andy was on the team now, and we got to work together. I am truly a lucky guy in that I get to spend everyday with my best friend.

The phase of the project ended with the end of March, and once again in April was taken up with busy work until the first week in May, when the upgrades will go live. Andy and I are getting sent to Espanola. Espanola is not a town I like, but it's only for a week.

When we get back, we close on or house. We started looking for one in February. Thank goodness we had a good realtor recommended to us, because we would have been lost otherwise. We looked at close to 80 houses, I think. Out of those, we found four we liked well enough to make an offer on. And four times we lost out. The fifth house we found at the beginning of April, and it really is almost exactly what we were looking for. We made an offer, and the seller accepted!

Then the waiting began. The house had to be inspected. The mortgage had to finalized. The underwriters needed to approve the mortgage. The house had to be appraised. The repairs needed to be made that were found during the inspection, and the house needs to be reinspected after that.

Most of this is done with very little input from Andy and myself, although we did manage to be there for the inspection. It's an exciting and terrifying time. On May 12th, we get to sit down with the loan officer and sign papers for three hours.

Fun.

But I've felt like my life has been on hold since we moved back to New Mexico. I've been living in someone else's house, and while I do have my own room, and pictures on the wall, it's not the same. I am looking forward to a home of my own.

I still can't believe it's happening.

In October, I had an amazing experience at the 21st anniversary celebration of Poetry and Beer, Albuquerque's premiere poetry slam event, of which I used to take part. I was nervous about going, feeling a little selfconscious, but once I put on the clothes and boots, I found it was easy to slip back into the old Outsider persona.

It was awesome. I heard fantastic poetry and wonderful music, and I got to see old friends I hadn't seen in over 10 years, like [livejournal.com profile] slowmosexual, and others.

(I just lost about five paragraphs for some reason. I'm going to finish this post for now, and pick it back up later.)
outsdr: (Dalek Longcat)
Hello.

The month of May has come and gone, and I was very quiet throughout.

Probably because not a lot happened. I've been busy applying for jobs and going on the occasional job interview. Had one quick freelance project that made me $50 (woo). Interviewed for a job that I really wanted; it involved looking after a company's network, their non-dedicated server, their SQL database, and figuring out how to interface with the vending machines and handheld units they had, as well as some office work involving tracking comission checks and such. It looked like it would be really interesting and I would have learned a lot there ... and they wanted to start me at $12 an hour. With no benefits.

I'm worth more than that, I'm also in the position where I am financially able to wait longer. Still ... I'd rather be working. But I'm not going to work at a low-end job just to have a job, either.

Also in May, I got an unexpected financial lift from ASCAP. The royalties for my song FINALLY came through from Germany (after almost three years!). At just under $6,000, it was more than I expected (but less than I dreamed of, lol.) It went into my savings account, which I'm living off of until I find a job; whatever money remains is going towards the Buy Tim a House fund.

As for what I do with my time ... a lot of it is spent online reading and such. I haven't been as creatively productive as I'd like; my last column was like pulling horse's teeth to get written. I did go and buy about $100 worth of art supplies so I can start doing some artwork again. It was while I was thinking about that that I had a sudden epiphany.

I have always, always compared and measured myself creatively against other people. I have NEVER considered what I do to be worth as much, as good as, on par with, the writers and artists that I admire. I have always believed that until I can produce work just as good or better than my idols that what I produced was worthless.

Obviously, I set myself up for failure and self-doubt and low self-worth. Because I couldn't IMMEDIATELY do work nearly as good as or even like other people, I responded by not believing I was good at it at all.

And quit.

Here's where the epiphany comes in. And it's such a no-brainer that I feel kind of stupid for not realizing it years ago.

I have always admired artists and writers who were not only recognized for being good, but for making something new and different.

The reason I was failing so much was because I was trying to do what they do. The reason I wasn't taking my own work seriously was because it wasn't like anyone else's.

My entire life I have been failing to recognize in MYSELF that which I admire in others!  My work isn't like other peoples. I am doing things 'new and different', and I have been all my life.

Why haven't I ever realized that before? Seriously. All the things I am good at, I dismissed.

I'm not going to do that anymore. Honestly, after that hit me, I just got flooded with ideas of things to draw, things to research, things to write (well, not as much with the writing. That's still a struggle. But it's a good struggle, I now realize.)

And it doesn't matter if anyone else likes the things I do.

This isn't to mean that everything is wine and roses inside my head. Far from it. But this one little thing, this little piece of realization, is amazing to me.

I've also started getting out of the house more. I have a whole city out there to rediscover, and each day I try to go out and go somewhere new. And it's been good for me, because for a couple of weeks after my birthday I was feeling pretty low.

It's still hard to find the discipline I need to accomplish things. (Like writing a weekly update, for instance!) But I have all these ideas; I'm just not sure which one to start on. Heck, I have three book ideas in my head right now. One of them is a true-crime book that I am uniquely suited to write, and I could begin doing research for it. I have ideas I want to explore with heliography, so I think I'm going to go check out the camera shop tomorrow, just to see what they have to offer.

And I need to get a library card, stat.

Oh! And I FINALLY took AND PASSED my CompTIA A+ Computer Certification! I've only twiddled around with it for the past 10+ years, lol. To be honest, I was scared to take the test. But I got good scores on both components, passing both the first time i attempted them.

I came here to restart my life. And there's a lot of life out there waiting for me to live it. It's about time I got started.

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