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Update and an Epiphany
Jun. 3rd, 2013 04:22 pmHello.
The month of May has come and gone, and I was very quiet throughout.
Probably because not a lot happened. I've been busy applying for jobs and going on the occasional job interview. Had one quick freelance project that made me $50 (woo). Interviewed for a job that I really wanted; it involved looking after a company's network, their non-dedicated server, their SQL database, and figuring out how to interface with the vending machines and handheld units they had, as well as some office work involving tracking comission checks and such. It looked like it would be really interesting and I would have learned a lot there ... and they wanted to start me at $12 an hour. With no benefits.
I'm worth more than that, I'm also in the position where I am financially able to wait longer. Still ... I'd rather be working. But I'm not going to work at a low-end job just to have a job, either.
Also in May, I got an unexpected financial lift from ASCAP. The royalties for my song FINALLY came through from Germany (after almost three years!). At just under $6,000, it was more than I expected (but less than I dreamed of, lol.) It went into my savings account, which I'm living off of until I find a job; whatever money remains is going towards the Buy Tim a House fund.
As for what I do with my time ... a lot of it is spent online reading and such. I haven't been as creatively productive as I'd like; my last column was like pulling horse's teeth to get written. I did go and buy about $100 worth of art supplies so I can start doing some artwork again. It was while I was thinking about that that I had a sudden epiphany.
I have always, always compared and measured myself creatively against other people. I have NEVER considered what I do to be worth as much, as good as, on par with, the writers and artists that I admire. I have always believed that until I can produce work just as good or better than my idols that what I produced was worthless.
Obviously, I set myself up for failure and self-doubt and low self-worth. Because I couldn't IMMEDIATELY do work nearly as good as or even like other people, I responded by not believing I was good at it at all.
And quit.
Here's where the epiphany comes in. And it's such a no-brainer that I feel kind of stupid for not realizing it years ago.
I have always admired artists and writers who were not only recognized for being good, but for making something new and different.
The reason I was failing so much was because I was trying to do what they do. The reason I wasn't taking my own work seriously was because it wasn't like anyone else's.
My entire life I have been failing to recognize in MYSELF that which I admire in others! My work isn't like other peoples. I am doing things 'new and different', and I have been all my life.
Why haven't I ever realized that before? Seriously. All the things I am good at, I dismissed.
I'm not going to do that anymore. Honestly, after that hit me, I just got flooded with ideas of things to draw, things to research, things to write (well, not as much with the writing. That's still a struggle. But it's a good struggle, I now realize.)
And it doesn't matter if anyone else likes the things I do.
This isn't to mean that everything is wine and roses inside my head. Far from it. But this one little thing, this little piece of realization, is amazing to me.
I've also started getting out of the house more. I have a whole city out there to rediscover, and each day I try to go out and go somewhere new. And it's been good for me, because for a couple of weeks after my birthday I was feeling pretty low.
It's still hard to find the discipline I need to accomplish things. (Like writing a weekly update, for instance!) But I have all these ideas; I'm just not sure which one to start on. Heck, I have three book ideas in my head right now. One of them is a true-crime book that I am uniquely suited to write, and I could begin doing research for it. I have ideas I want to explore with heliography, so I think I'm going to go check out the camera shop tomorrow, just to see what they have to offer.
And I need to get a library card, stat.
Oh! And I FINALLY took AND PASSED my CompTIA A+ Computer Certification! I've only twiddled around with it for the past 10+ years, lol. To be honest, I was scared to take the test. But I got good scores on both components, passing both the first time i attempted them.
I came here to restart my life. And there's a lot of life out there waiting for me to live it. It's about time I got started.
The month of May has come and gone, and I was very quiet throughout.
Probably because not a lot happened. I've been busy applying for jobs and going on the occasional job interview. Had one quick freelance project that made me $50 (woo). Interviewed for a job that I really wanted; it involved looking after a company's network, their non-dedicated server, their SQL database, and figuring out how to interface with the vending machines and handheld units they had, as well as some office work involving tracking comission checks and such. It looked like it would be really interesting and I would have learned a lot there ... and they wanted to start me at $12 an hour. With no benefits.
I'm worth more than that, I'm also in the position where I am financially able to wait longer. Still ... I'd rather be working. But I'm not going to work at a low-end job just to have a job, either.
Also in May, I got an unexpected financial lift from ASCAP. The royalties for my song FINALLY came through from Germany (after almost three years!). At just under $6,000, it was more than I expected (but less than I dreamed of, lol.) It went into my savings account, which I'm living off of until I find a job; whatever money remains is going towards the Buy Tim a House fund.
As for what I do with my time ... a lot of it is spent online reading and such. I haven't been as creatively productive as I'd like; my last column was like pulling horse's teeth to get written. I did go and buy about $100 worth of art supplies so I can start doing some artwork again. It was while I was thinking about that that I had a sudden epiphany.
I have always, always compared and measured myself creatively against other people. I have NEVER considered what I do to be worth as much, as good as, on par with, the writers and artists that I admire. I have always believed that until I can produce work just as good or better than my idols that what I produced was worthless.
Obviously, I set myself up for failure and self-doubt and low self-worth. Because I couldn't IMMEDIATELY do work nearly as good as or even like other people, I responded by not believing I was good at it at all.
And quit.
Here's where the epiphany comes in. And it's such a no-brainer that I feel kind of stupid for not realizing it years ago.
I have always admired artists and writers who were not only recognized for being good, but for making something new and different.
The reason I was failing so much was because I was trying to do what they do. The reason I wasn't taking my own work seriously was because it wasn't like anyone else's.
My entire life I have been failing to recognize in MYSELF that which I admire in others! My work isn't like other peoples. I am doing things 'new and different', and I have been all my life.
Why haven't I ever realized that before? Seriously. All the things I am good at, I dismissed.
I'm not going to do that anymore. Honestly, after that hit me, I just got flooded with ideas of things to draw, things to research, things to write (well, not as much with the writing. That's still a struggle. But it's a good struggle, I now realize.)
And it doesn't matter if anyone else likes the things I do.
This isn't to mean that everything is wine and roses inside my head. Far from it. But this one little thing, this little piece of realization, is amazing to me.
I've also started getting out of the house more. I have a whole city out there to rediscover, and each day I try to go out and go somewhere new. And it's been good for me, because for a couple of weeks after my birthday I was feeling pretty low.
It's still hard to find the discipline I need to accomplish things. (Like writing a weekly update, for instance!) But I have all these ideas; I'm just not sure which one to start on. Heck, I have three book ideas in my head right now. One of them is a true-crime book that I am uniquely suited to write, and I could begin doing research for it. I have ideas I want to explore with heliography, so I think I'm going to go check out the camera shop tomorrow, just to see what they have to offer.
And I need to get a library card, stat.
Oh! And I FINALLY took AND PASSED my CompTIA A+ Computer Certification! I've only twiddled around with it for the past 10+ years, lol. To be honest, I was scared to take the test. But I got good scores on both components, passing both the first time i attempted them.
I came here to restart my life. And there's a lot of life out there waiting for me to live it. It's about time I got started.
