(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2018 11:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
outsdrI don't know what to do.
This is the third time I've tried to write this and post it, but I deleted all my previous posts. I'm just going to type and hit post before I can back out. I'm at the lowest I've been in decades. I have no hope; no desire; no passion; and barely enough will to press on. There are things I should be doing, and I can't. I just can't. Thinking about writing projectrs- thinking about writing at all, physically makes me feel like vomiting. I'm barely eating. I have no interest. If I exercise any more than I do, it's all I would be doing. I'm walking three times a day, one mile at 5:30 am, 3 miles at noon, two miles in the evening- four if it's light eneough. I have no idea what the future ho9lds, only what I fear it does. And all I fear is that there is nothing there. I'm going to lose everything. If I could just sleep, I would. I don't know what to do. I'm still taking my meds. I'm not going to hurt myself. I do have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. It's not like I have to hold on until then- I don't have the desire to do anything, even fall off a bridge. I've heard "it's going to be ok" so many times it's become meaningless, especially since no one can answer when I ask "How?"
I guess I should try to eat something. I've lost over 10 pounds in two weeks. Thanks for listening.
This is the third time I've tried to write this and post it, but I deleted all my previous posts. I'm just going to type and hit post before I can back out. I'm at the lowest I've been in decades. I have no hope; no desire; no passion; and barely enough will to press on. There are things I should be doing, and I can't. I just can't. Thinking about writing projectrs- thinking about writing at all, physically makes me feel like vomiting. I'm barely eating. I have no interest. If I exercise any more than I do, it's all I would be doing. I'm walking three times a day, one mile at 5:30 am, 3 miles at noon, two miles in the evening- four if it's light eneough. I have no idea what the future ho9lds, only what I fear it does. And all I fear is that there is nothing there. I'm going to lose everything. If I could just sleep, I would. I don't know what to do. I'm still taking my meds. I'm not going to hurt myself. I do have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. It's not like I have to hold on until then- I don't have the desire to do anything, even fall off a bridge. I've heard "it's going to be ok" so many times it's become meaningless, especially since no one can answer when I ask "How?"
I guess I should try to eat something. I've lost over 10 pounds in two weeks. Thanks for listening.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-06 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-07 01:38 am (UTC)The weekends are just so hard though.
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Date: 2018-10-07 12:54 pm (UTC)I justy need to keep pushing forward.
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Date: 2018-10-13 10:31 pm (UTC)I had an appointment with a doctor yesterday because of a urinary problem (like I don't have enough to get me down already) and when she asked if there was anything else she could do for me, I started to say something, then thought twice and stopped, because I didn't want to bother her.
Bless her, she just waited. And I told her I didn't think my antidepressant was doing enough for me right now. I'm at ther maximum dose for trintellix, but after a small discussion, she added wellbutrin twice a day.
I started today.