December

[outsdr]

Motivation can be hard to find.

Since returning from the east coast in September, it's been difficult to find motivation to do things. Like writing my monthly column. After my (what I considered) subpar effort in October, I found it impossible to come up with anything worthwhile in November. So there was no column. Now I'm struggling with one for December.

I don't think this is severe depression, but if I weren't on my medication, I think I'd be in trouble. I've reconciled with my sister's death; honestly, given the situation she was in, I truly don't blame her for taking her own life.

Even so ... it's difficult in many ways to accept that now, there's just my brother and myself. He has his own family, of course, and I have the ersatz familial unit I've created for myself as well.

I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of dying before I'm ready. I haven't made my mark yet. I want to be remembered a little. But ... I can't find the energy nor the motivation to make that mark.

Comments

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

I've never had a terrible series of shocks the way you have, touch wood, but I know depression and I know writing. You are, very naturally, going through a slough right now. Don't panic, and don't beat yourself up. Read some interesting stuff; jot down any ideas which come to you; give your brain the time it needs to build its energy back up. You'll come out of this low. (And if it just seems to be going on and on and on, don't accept it - go hassle your doctor.)

<3

[outsdr.livejournal.com]

Thanks Kate. :)