Excuse me while I ramble incoherently and mumble to myself a little ...

[outsdr]

In a weird roundabout way I was thinking about April Fool's Day, and secrets in particular, and then I annoyingly started thinking about 1992 when I voluntarily checked myself into the psych wing of the hospital for 'observation', not realizing that I couldn't check myself back out again - I was there as long as they thought I needed to be! That turned out to be three weeks.

While I was there, they stripped my mind down to the core. I didn't have any secrets any more - they peeled me back and dug in deep and didn't seem to feel the need to put me back together when they were done. That job took a lot longer ...

When I got out, all my own secrets gone, I used to try to get friends to confide in me their secrets, just so I would have something to hold onto once more, something of my own. I think that helped save me; other people's secrets became the building blocks I built myself back up with.

Now, while I was in the psych ward, there was ONE thing that I was able to keep from them, one tiny little secret that I held onto myself ... even though they searched me and all my possessions when I came in (and tried very hard to take away my boots. Never try to take away my boots.) I managed to slip my car keys into my sock and kept them hidden in the toe of my boot the entire time I was there. It gave me some tiny, small piece of empowerment to know that, even though the consequences would be dire, I could runaway whenever I wanted to.

Hold onto your secrets. Secrets keep you strong.

Comments

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Belatedly: put that comic roman a clef aside and write the story of this. Holy &*%^*%.

[outsdr.livejournal.com]

You're right, I should. It just seems so long ago and sort of trivial now.