*Deep Breath*
Aug. 6th, 2011 02:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
outsdrOk, LJ, let's give this a shot.
For weeks I've been wanting to write an update. And found that I just couldn't. Whether matters weren't straight in my head or whether they refused to get straight in my head or if I was just not ready or willing to face them, I don't really know. But tonight I need to bite the bullet and give it a shot. Maybe this will be rambling nonsense, maybe not. We'll see when it ends.
Nearly a month ago, I made this posting. And it's the one I've been trying to follow up on.
Reading it over ... I finished reading Area 51, and it was ok. Now I'm reading Wicked. It's ... okay. My biggest complaint is that it feels like it's being adult just for gratuity's sake. Far more sex than is necessary; I wish it was handled in the same way the violence is handled in the story: off page, and alluded to. The violent scenes have been dream-like and poetic, and make a greater impact as a result. The sex scenes and sex talk manage to throw off the entire narrative whenever they occur.
I'm also in tremendous pain. Monday, I woke up with a slight backache. Lower back, right in the middle, just above my buttcrack. It went away as I got moving. Throughout the week, it began to get worse. I'd wake up because I tried to rollover in my sleep and the pain in my back prevented me from doing so. I'd try to stand up at work and I couldn't because of the pain. Tonight, it took me 15 minutes, literally, to get out of bed after futilely trying to sleep before coming to work at the hotel. I had to move so slowly and shift so gently, and it hurt so bad. Not a sharp pain, just ... the pain of muscles not doing what they were supposed to, I suppose. At one point, I thought it would be easier if I slipped down to the floor. Boy was that a mistake ... I debated not coming to work tonight at all, but the 1600 mgs of ibuprofen I took when I got up kicked in during Torchwood, and I managed to make my way to the hotel in time. I've been trying not to sit in one place for too long, so I don't stiffen up, but the pain is coming back.
It could be my sciatic nerve flaring up. The pills and creams and patches and salves I bought did nothing. I bought a capsaicin cream, which did nothing (no warming, nothing) except make it insanely painful when I put my contact lens in (that stuff does NOT wash off!) and made the popcorn I ate during Torchwood taste like jalapenos. When I get home, I'm going to try sleeping on the floor. Ike will love that; I just hope he doesn't poop on me. Like he did while we were watching Torchwood ...
Luckily, I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, for a completely unrelated matter. I have some sort of lump growing under the skin on my left thumb, in the crack of the joint. It seems solid, moves around, and is kind of painful. Probably something easily fixed with $8,000 of surgery.
My screening for prostate cancer returned negative, which is good. When I spoke to my father last, a week ago, he had just had another bone scan but didn't know the results yet. I'm hoping the new scan will show how well his treatment is going. I don't like living with unknown variables. I did tell him I was tentatively planning to come visit for Thanksgiving this year, and he said "You better not be planing this trip just because of me," and I replied that's EXACTLY why I'm planning the trip, so he said not to do it, and it all went down hill from there. It is an expensive trip, but I probably could afford it, except ... I just spent $600 on contacts and glasses, and $350 on a replacement refrigerator, and in October Andy and I are going to Albuquerque for a friend's wedding ... however, if necessary, I will find a way to make the trip. It still seems so unreal to me. I mean, when Mom got cancer, it was a surprise, but not really a shock, I guess. I mean, she'd been sick for 20+ years already; I was used to the idea. Dad, however ... he's had aches and pains over the years, but until his colon and infection problems a few years back, he'd never been seriously sick. He's just always seemed ... indomitable. The idea that he's mortal is a new one for me.
I finally finished the registration of I die for you today on ASCAP; ended up calling and speaking to someone on the phone about it. ASCAP has the worst hold music. The gentleman I spoke to told me that once registered, GEMA should start sending me my royalties ... in 18 months. I'm hoping that started counting when the song was released, not when I registered. And I still have no idea how much I'll get. Could be $100, could be $10,000. I just don't know; I've never done this before.
I'm fairly certain that I either have or am developing schizoid personality disorder. This should terrify me. It does not. It's just ... what is.
Ok, that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow night, maybe I can formulate my plan of attack to get back on track.
For weeks I've been wanting to write an update. And found that I just couldn't. Whether matters weren't straight in my head or whether they refused to get straight in my head or if I was just not ready or willing to face them, I don't really know. But tonight I need to bite the bullet and give it a shot. Maybe this will be rambling nonsense, maybe not. We'll see when it ends.
Nearly a month ago, I made this posting. And it's the one I've been trying to follow up on.
Reading it over ... I finished reading Area 51, and it was ok. Now I'm reading Wicked. It's ... okay. My biggest complaint is that it feels like it's being adult just for gratuity's sake. Far more sex than is necessary; I wish it was handled in the same way the violence is handled in the story: off page, and alluded to. The violent scenes have been dream-like and poetic, and make a greater impact as a result. The sex scenes and sex talk manage to throw off the entire narrative whenever they occur.
I'm also in tremendous pain. Monday, I woke up with a slight backache. Lower back, right in the middle, just above my buttcrack. It went away as I got moving. Throughout the week, it began to get worse. I'd wake up because I tried to rollover in my sleep and the pain in my back prevented me from doing so. I'd try to stand up at work and I couldn't because of the pain. Tonight, it took me 15 minutes, literally, to get out of bed after futilely trying to sleep before coming to work at the hotel. I had to move so slowly and shift so gently, and it hurt so bad. Not a sharp pain, just ... the pain of muscles not doing what they were supposed to, I suppose. At one point, I thought it would be easier if I slipped down to the floor. Boy was that a mistake ... I debated not coming to work tonight at all, but the 1600 mgs of ibuprofen I took when I got up kicked in during Torchwood, and I managed to make my way to the hotel in time. I've been trying not to sit in one place for too long, so I don't stiffen up, but the pain is coming back.
It could be my sciatic nerve flaring up. The pills and creams and patches and salves I bought did nothing. I bought a capsaicin cream, which did nothing (no warming, nothing) except make it insanely painful when I put my contact lens in (that stuff does NOT wash off!) and made the popcorn I ate during Torchwood taste like jalapenos. When I get home, I'm going to try sleeping on the floor. Ike will love that; I just hope he doesn't poop on me. Like he did while we were watching Torchwood ...
Luckily, I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, for a completely unrelated matter. I have some sort of lump growing under the skin on my left thumb, in the crack of the joint. It seems solid, moves around, and is kind of painful. Probably something easily fixed with $8,000 of surgery.
My screening for prostate cancer returned negative, which is good. When I spoke to my father last, a week ago, he had just had another bone scan but didn't know the results yet. I'm hoping the new scan will show how well his treatment is going. I don't like living with unknown variables. I did tell him I was tentatively planning to come visit for Thanksgiving this year, and he said "You better not be planing this trip just because of me," and I replied that's EXACTLY why I'm planning the trip, so he said not to do it, and it all went down hill from there. It is an expensive trip, but I probably could afford it, except ... I just spent $600 on contacts and glasses, and $350 on a replacement refrigerator, and in October Andy and I are going to Albuquerque for a friend's wedding ... however, if necessary, I will find a way to make the trip. It still seems so unreal to me. I mean, when Mom got cancer, it was a surprise, but not really a shock, I guess. I mean, she'd been sick for 20+ years already; I was used to the idea. Dad, however ... he's had aches and pains over the years, but until his colon and infection problems a few years back, he'd never been seriously sick. He's just always seemed ... indomitable. The idea that he's mortal is a new one for me.
I finally finished the registration of I die for you today on ASCAP; ended up calling and speaking to someone on the phone about it. ASCAP has the worst hold music. The gentleman I spoke to told me that once registered, GEMA should start sending me my royalties ... in 18 months. I'm hoping that started counting when the song was released, not when I registered. And I still have no idea how much I'll get. Could be $100, could be $10,000. I just don't know; I've never done this before.
I'm fairly certain that I either have or am developing schizoid personality disorder. This should terrify me. It does not. It's just ... what is.
Ok, that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow night, maybe I can formulate my plan of attack to get back on track.
