I do not exist

I'm about to blow smoke in your face

I’m no one’s role model. Good, bad, or otherwise defined- I’ve never asked to be, intended to be, offered to be, or acted to be. Which is good, for why anyone would look up to me or even anything other than askance at me is difficult for me to comprehend: I’m very large, I scowl exclusively and I eat too many things that contribute too much to my largeness and scowliness.

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Tips for dealing with water woes

With the flooding situation being foremost in everyone’s mind here in Lander, matters aren’t improved by water restrictions in our homes. There’s so much to worry about, it’s easy to just throw up one’s hands and say, “Is there really a reason I can’t fill my above ground pool right now? I can always save water later!”

The need to watch our water usage has never been greater; the last thing Lander citizens need to face is water-water-everywhere-and-not-a-drop-to-drink. To help over-worried minds find new ways to save on in-home water usage, gathered here are some tips that can be used on a daily basis. Follow these easy ideas, and the water crisis will pass before you know it.

• Laundry. Stretching out everyday use of clothing between laundry loads is a must. Wearing an article of clothing once rarely makes it dirty enough to prevent it from being worn again. In fact, the same shirt can be worn for months by simply spraying it down with Febreeze and tossing it in the dryer. You’ll find that almost all your clothing can be kept in wearable condition this way.

For those without a dryer in their home, keeping clothing clean is as simple as piling it high in a corner. The weight of the clothes on top will force the dirt out of the clothes on the bottom, making them wearable once more. This is a trick used by many college kids over the years. An added bonus: if you have enough clothing, the heat and pressure may just turn the clothes on the bottom of the pile to oil, giving you an unexpected financial boon.

• Showering. Rarely does anyone need to shower every day. Or even every other day. Try these tips to stretch your time between showers to weeks or longer. To start, purchase an after-shower spray cleaner, the kind that hangs on the wall in your shower. Step in to your shower, hit the cleaner button, and just turn in place as the spray washes you clean. Simple and easy. Sure, the bottle of cleaner warns that it’s not a body wash, but Q-tips warn never to insert into the ear, either, and how many people heed that warning?

You can also make use of the morning collection of dew in your yard for a quick, refreshing cleanse. As the early morning sun casts its light across your lawn, squirm around naked in all that dewy grass. It’s all-natural (and au naturel!) and I’ve found my neighbors to be very understanding once I’ve explained the situation to them, as well as the police when they arrive.

When you find that you finally really do need a shower, skip the towel and run straight to your yard when you’re done. Do a few jumping jacks or take a jog around the perimeter, until all the water has dripped off your body. You’ll be drying off and watering your lawn at the same time.

Again, once you explain to them how you’re doing your part to save water, you’ll find your neighbors will be very understanding, even admirable of your resourcefulness. The police, too. Usually. For a few warnings, at least.

• Dishwashing. There are only so many paper plates you can use before your washable dishes pile up. There are a number of ways you can tackle this cleaning job while reducing your water usage. Got a dog? Rover will be more than happy to help out with the cleaning chores. Place your dirty dishes on the floor, and teach your pooch the command “Do the dishes!” Fido will quickly learn to do his part, licking the dishes clean. A quick spritz of some window cleaner and a wipe, and you’re ready for your next meal.

Don’t fret if your house is petless. Wash your dishes clean with a pot of hot water and a little vinegar and salt. Not only will your dishes come clean, but add some potatoes and a little meat, and you now have a kettle of soup ready for dinner.

I and all the staff at the Journal hope you’ll find these tips useful and easy to follow. If you have any tips of your own to add, feel free to stop by the office. We’re the one on Main Street with all the windows open to let out the fumes, and the policemen lined up to “ask a few questions.”

My mother's last book. I worked all day getting it ready for print (Pagemaker wouldn't embed the fonts to the PDF, had to import it into inDesign, correct layout mistranslations, work out the percentages to get it to fit the different margins on Lulu, creating a cover, etc, etc.)





This book was finished when I left in April. I brought the files with me, print out two copies for her on the laser printer, and shipped them back to her. She presented it to the activities director at the nursing home; she's been really supportive of this project and helpful. She then tried to schedule a meeting with the Director of the nursing home, to show him what she had created. Meanwhile, she also took one of the bound laser prints I'd sent her and got a quote from a local printer to reproduce the book.

A month later, she was still waiting to meet with the director. You know, because it's not like she's on a terminal deadline or anything. Word finally got back to her that he didn't feel the need to meet with her. So, a copy was sent to him with the printing quote, to see if he was interested in having copies published; a lot of people had expressed interest (when I say a lot, I mean 30-40, lol- it's local history.) And she waited.

Finally, just this past Thursday, July 1st, two and half months after the book was finished, my dad called me in the evening to let me know they had just found out that the director didn't want to pay for it to be published, and seemingly doesn't want to have anything to do with it at all.

So, we're all "Fuck 'im" and made a few final corrections to the book (typos that were missed) and threw it up on lulu.com, where we're selling it for cost. Bastard.

Mom is getting more confused every day, according to my father. Some times when I call her in the morning, I can tell she's struggling for the right words. And sometimes, she doesn't want to talk very long. Hopefully, when the book gets to her next week, she'll still be lucid enough to recognize her accomplishment.